Fair Warning: This blog posting is extremely explicit and sexual in nature, due to the subject of this week's chapter, Savor Your Sexuality. In addition, it is extremely personal, but in an effort to really truly grow I am making myself vulnerable. I have often found saying the things out loud that I can barely admit to myself changes my perspective altogether and I grow tremendously. It has also been my experience that when I take that chance I am often rewarded in hearing that other women feel the same pain and fear and appreciate my candor. I hope that this is what will transpire here. On a second note, you'll probably wonder if I'm ever going to get to the point of this chapter or is this some self serving diatribe on premarital sex in an attempt to somehow justify my inability to savor my sexuality as an adult. Well, yes and kinda. Yes, I do eventually get to the point (after a very long time). And no, it is sincerely in hope of seeing a lot of virtual heads bobbing up and down in affirmation that you too struggle to savor your sexuality, but I don't spend a lot of time on the actual chapter. If you want to talk specifics of the chapter let's get together and chat. Now that I think of it (the warning was written after the posting), perhaps this story would have been much more appropriate for one-on-one girl talk and the chapter review more beneficial for the public-ness of a blog, but as you'll learn in this post, I'm not a well person and rarely act appropriately. With that said, I lovingly and fearfully share this with you.
I started having sex when I was 12. Not even a mature-for-her-age 12, just a scared, pressured and confused, little girl 12. Within a couple of days of my first kiss I had my first sexual experience. I didn't understand why I did it. I don't even think I made the decision. I just kind of looked up and it had happened. I continued to have sex with almost every boy who showed me the least bit of interest until I was 22. That includes boys I had just met, boyfriends of friends, party acquaintances, the popular boy (which he kept secret), adult high school coaches, pretty much any man that would want to hold me and value me. I had a nice taught body that was curved in all the right places, it seductively moved the way I wanted it to, and it attracted a lot of attention. Of course, these interactions never resulted in what I was so desperately searching for... a place to fit, arms to hold me tenderly and lovingly, to be cherished and taken care of, to feel worthy and valuable to someone. I even thought I enjoyed it. I would tell my friends so. Apparently it was the best thing since sliced bread. But I never once had an orgasm or could remember feeling anything other than fear of the consequences once it was over.
What I didn't realize is that each of those instances a little part of me would stay with him, and a little piece of him would stay with me. How romantic that sounds? Connected for life through such a sacred physical act. Bullshit. The part of me that stayed with him was my dignity and self-love. My security and self-preservation. My passion and self-worth. The part of him that stayed with me was the disgust, the disinterest, the selfishness of having sex without love. So now I have layers upon layers of disgust at the price of self-significance. Every time I enter my married bed that disgust lies down between my husband and I. It shadows our most intimate moments. Moments that should be shared passionately and deeply, but instead they taunt me and whisper that I'm trash---garbage that should be used and discarded.
I started having sex when I was 12 and I didn't stop until I was married. I stopped when I got married. Not the physical act, of course, I pretended to have deep sexual and emotional experiences with my husband. You could have heard my dramatic and seemingly joyful orgasmic pleas for "more, more, more" a mile away---little did I realize or my husband know that I was desperately begging for more. More intimacy. More love. More me. I wanted me back. I gave up me before I even got to know her. I have no idea what my sexuality looks like because I sold it long before it developed. So what does that make me as a married woman? A child really... 12 years old... still lost and confused and pressured to be what I think I'm supposed to be.
Today my nice taught body has been replaced with flab and fat. My curves exist in all the wrong places, my seduction act looks more like "run before he sees me", and unfortunately, it stills attracts a lot of attention... just not the kind you want to hear. And of course, my interactions with my husband still never result in what I am so desperately searching for (although he tries desperately)... a place to fit, arms to hold me tenderly and lovingly, to be cherished and taken care of, to feel worthy and valuable to someone. This isn't to say I have a terrible, sex crazed, use-her-and-lose her kind of husband--- in fact, he is everything to the contrary--- he is loving, and forgiving, and understanding. He tries so hard, only to see sadness in my eyes. The problem is this... he can't make me "fit" or be "tender" or "cherish" me or give me "worth" if I don't accept myself in those ways. He can only love the woman I am, not the woman I wish I were.
I was most struck by one of the blurbs in Nicole Johnson's margin. It listed all the "things we do to avoid sex." Anyway, back to the margin list... which I read thinking, "Wow, none of this is me. I must be doing something right." Then I saw the fifth item on the list --- Eat too much. I read it so fast, it almost didn't' sink in. And then I went back. And read it again. And again. And again. Then I cried. Please don't misunderstand me... I don't avoid sex. In fact, I am the opposite. I am far more sexual than my husband. Not because I want to have sex, no that would be too perfect. I have sex a lot because I am desperately searching for something. I figure it's got to be in there somewhere, right? Perhaps if I just keep having sex in crazy positions or high heels and thongs, eventually my sexuality will show up. I'm learning that it's not how it works.
It really was an epiphany... the words sunk in like a boulder in a shallow puddle. I have made myself so undesirable, even to me, so that I would know for certain that if I am loved it will be for who I am and not for what I look like or what I can give sexually. It makes me sick to my stomach... so sick I want to down a chocolate cake in one sitting. It makes me sad that I've lost years and layers of who I really am to my own self hatred. I cannot look in the mirror and see one single thing I like. Not one single thing. I am disgusted literally from my head to my toes with what stares back at me. It didn't used to be that way. When I was 12 I was excited with the way my body was changing and how it looked. Unfortunately, I didn't have the emotional wellness to protect it, to grow it, to love it.
So where does this body go from here? It's kind of too late to change the past and the future is inevitably tainted by my underdeveloped sexuality. Where does one start when you're 34 and have the emotional sexuality of a 12 year old? I suppose 34 years old is as good a place as any to start... it must be better 35, right? This chapter has encouraged me to get back to that little girl. Make an attempt to grow her a little more, learn what I love about her, and then send her off to make adult decisions now that she is finally an adult. Now that she finally fits, and is cherished, and it is safe to be sexual. I think savoring is for the experts, it's something that is acquired, something that has been studied over a period of time, something that can be appreciated for its depth. For now I will start to explore my sexuality... to learn about it and to gradually take it back so that it can be fully and lovingly gifted to the one and only man who should have ever known it.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Chapter 5 Review: Interview Your Anger
This chapter talks about finding the root of our anger, and not taking it out on the people we love. We need to figure out what our anger is really about, or we will continue to harm others. Johnson talks about a fight she had with her husband, and how her anger was really directed at her mother. This led her on a journey of forgiveness that resulted in an actual friendship with her mother. It wasn't easy, but once she realized the real reason she was angry, she could start to heal.
On a personal note, I have had an experience like this. The first year that I moved to Virginia was a busy one for me. My husband and I had just gotten married, we bought a house, and I started a new, high-stress job. One evening, my husband brought home dinner from Sheetz. (What can I say, it's a tradition from our college days!) Anyway, he ordered my breakfast sandwich with bacon. Now he knows that bacon usually makes me sick, but he intended on taking it off my sandwich and putting it on his, since it is included in the cost of the sandwich. Well, you would have thought that World War III had just begun by the way I reacted to finding this unappetizing meat on the sandwich that my stomach had been rumbling for! I threw the sandwich on the floor, spewed some choice words at my husband, and then ran upstairs and slammed the bedroom door, collapsing into tears on the bed. All over a sandwich, right?! WRONG. I knew deep down that my real anger was my frustration with my new job, and a constant, nagging feeling that I had chosen the wrong career path. I had no one to be angry with but myself. I felt like I was compromising my own needs to keep up the lie that I was happy with my profession, because I was too embarrassed to admit that I had made the wrong choice. Thankfully, my husband was able to shrug off my outburst, even after I finished the entire performance by driving to Sheetz and buying myself the sandwich I REALLY wanted. (Hmmm...too bad I couldn't order a new career path.) Five years later, my husband and I now laugh at that memory, especially when we are at a restaurant and the waitress asks me if I would like bacon with my eggs. (Jeff usually then mocks me by saying in his best wifey impression: "I told you, I didn't want bacon!" The waitress looks at us like we're nuts, but it's hilarious, if only to us.) The only way I could let go of the anger was to forgive myself for making the wrong career choice, and quit my job. I have since found a career that makes me happy. The funny thing is, it took me reading the chapter of this book to truly understand what I was going through back then!
Ok, now I shared my personal story! I want to hear what other people thought of the chapter, and how it might relate to their lives! (Hopefully your experiences don't include flying breakfast sandwiches!)
On a personal note, I have had an experience like this. The first year that I moved to Virginia was a busy one for me. My husband and I had just gotten married, we bought a house, and I started a new, high-stress job. One evening, my husband brought home dinner from Sheetz. (What can I say, it's a tradition from our college days!) Anyway, he ordered my breakfast sandwich with bacon. Now he knows that bacon usually makes me sick, but he intended on taking it off my sandwich and putting it on his, since it is included in the cost of the sandwich. Well, you would have thought that World War III had just begun by the way I reacted to finding this unappetizing meat on the sandwich that my stomach had been rumbling for! I threw the sandwich on the floor, spewed some choice words at my husband, and then ran upstairs and slammed the bedroom door, collapsing into tears on the bed. All over a sandwich, right?! WRONG. I knew deep down that my real anger was my frustration with my new job, and a constant, nagging feeling that I had chosen the wrong career path. I had no one to be angry with but myself. I felt like I was compromising my own needs to keep up the lie that I was happy with my profession, because I was too embarrassed to admit that I had made the wrong choice. Thankfully, my husband was able to shrug off my outburst, even after I finished the entire performance by driving to Sheetz and buying myself the sandwich I REALLY wanted. (Hmmm...too bad I couldn't order a new career path.) Five years later, my husband and I now laugh at that memory, especially when we are at a restaurant and the waitress asks me if I would like bacon with my eggs. (Jeff usually then mocks me by saying in his best wifey impression: "I told you, I didn't want bacon!" The waitress looks at us like we're nuts, but it's hilarious, if only to us.) The only way I could let go of the anger was to forgive myself for making the wrong career choice, and quit my job. I have since found a career that makes me happy. The funny thing is, it took me reading the chapter of this book to truly understand what I was going through back then!
Ok, now I shared my personal story! I want to hear what other people thought of the chapter, and how it might relate to their lives! (Hopefully your experiences don't include flying breakfast sandwiches!)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Welcome!
It was so wonderful to meet everyone this weekend at the retreat! Heather and I were so excited when Shannon mentioned that she read the book we are currently reading, "Fresh Brewed Life" by Nicole Johnson. I'm hoping everyone is checking out our Brewed Awakenings blog after receiving our bookmarks this weekend. We wanted to extend an invitation to anyone interested in attending; even if you don't have the book yet! Come and meet the group; we'll fill you in on the first few chapters. This will also give you time to get the book by our next meeting in 2 weeks. Remember, we only read one chapter every 2 weeks. It's not overwhelming! So come join us this Friday the 13th at 10:00 A.M.! You can e-mail us at: brewedawakeningbookgroup@gmail.com for the location and address. Hope to see you all there!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Chapter 4 Review: Embrace Your Beauty
Wow, when I saw the title of this chapter, I thought I would read yet another "beauty is on the inside" lecture, making me feel guilty for the time I spend putting on my make-up and doing my hair. Was I wrong, or what?! This chapter was SO refreshing for me!
"We pretend we don't care. But we do.
We act as if it doesn't matter. But it does.
We wish we weren't disappointed. But we are."
- Nicole Johnson
Ok, ladies! Now we want to hear your opinions in the comments section!
Here's some food for thought:
- Do you identify with "Linda" or "Jill"?
- What do you think of the connection between spirituality and paying attention to your looks?
- Do you agree with Nicole when she talks about how we regularly assault ourselves with comparisons to other women? How can we overcome this and appreciate our own unique beauty?
- Nicole mentions how women are very kind to others, but not to themselves. Are you your own worst critic?
I can't wait to read your comments! This Friday's book club discussion will be great! I hope some of you can make it! Please e-mail Heather for the location.
Happy Reading!
Erica
"We pretend we don't care. But we do.
We act as if it doesn't matter. But it does.
We wish we weren't disappointed. But we are."
- Nicole Johnson
Ok, ladies! Now we want to hear your opinions in the comments section!
Here's some food for thought:
- Do you identify with "Linda" or "Jill"?
- What do you think of the connection between spirituality and paying attention to your looks?
- Do you agree with Nicole when she talks about how we regularly assault ourselves with comparisons to other women? How can we overcome this and appreciate our own unique beauty?
- Nicole mentions how women are very kind to others, but not to themselves. Are you your own worst critic?
I can't wait to read your comments! This Friday's book club discussion will be great! I hope some of you can make it! Please e-mail Heather for the location.
Happy Reading!
Erica
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Review Chapter 3: Listen to Your Longings
"What we don't have shapes us more than what we have. We are like swiss cheese, and the holes in us are actually suppose to be there."
I think out of everything in this chapter, this quote is what stuck with me the most. I think all that we try to accomplish in life has to do with "filling" the holes. It is what keeps us going in our everyday lives. We all have longings, desires, and dreams. To be honest, I found the differences between the three a bit complex as they were explained in the book. But I understand the point that Nicole was making: It is ok to not be satisfied. I think the most important thing is to make sure that we are not chasing around longings for the WRONG things, which can be very tempting. On Sunday, our pastor talked about how we need to think about each of our wants and desires: is it something that will last? Relationships last. Love lasts. Sports cars and designer purses do not last. (I'm working on that last one!) As difficult as this was to hear, I know in my heart it is true.
I feel like motherhood really made me realize what is truly important in life. For me, it's my relationships with my family. When we are all cuddling in bed on a lazy Saturday morning - me, my husband, my son, and even my dog!- there is nothing left to want! I try every day to be grateful for what I have, and I believe by feeling fulfilled in that way, it makes me a truly happy person. I could desire a bigger house, more money (which once your basic needs are met, an increase in money only temporarily increases your happiness) or to not have to work. But I feel like by focusing on the good in my life, it makes me realize how blessed I am, and how much worse it could be. There are people in this world who have lives much more difficult than my own. How dare I be ungrateful?
To tie this all into the chapter in the book, and also the sermon on Sunday morning, I think I personally need to be careful about my longings, that they don't cross over into the materialistic category unless I can justify that the object could greatly improve my life. I was actually comforted by reading on page 58 that it is OK to desire more out of your relationship with your husband! (Again, relationships are something that will LAST!) I have to remember that "God placed the same limitations on men that He did on us."
I understand that all my longings will be met in heaven. For now, I am focused on being grateful for the things that God has given me to enjoy here on earth!
Thoughts?
Please leave a comment on the chapter! It's so wonderful to hear how other people have interpreted the book!
Take care everyone,
Erica
I think out of everything in this chapter, this quote is what stuck with me the most. I think all that we try to accomplish in life has to do with "filling" the holes. It is what keeps us going in our everyday lives. We all have longings, desires, and dreams. To be honest, I found the differences between the three a bit complex as they were explained in the book. But I understand the point that Nicole was making: It is ok to not be satisfied. I think the most important thing is to make sure that we are not chasing around longings for the WRONG things, which can be very tempting. On Sunday, our pastor talked about how we need to think about each of our wants and desires: is it something that will last? Relationships last. Love lasts. Sports cars and designer purses do not last. (I'm working on that last one!) As difficult as this was to hear, I know in my heart it is true.
I feel like motherhood really made me realize what is truly important in life. For me, it's my relationships with my family. When we are all cuddling in bed on a lazy Saturday morning - me, my husband, my son, and even my dog!- there is nothing left to want! I try every day to be grateful for what I have, and I believe by feeling fulfilled in that way, it makes me a truly happy person. I could desire a bigger house, more money (which once your basic needs are met, an increase in money only temporarily increases your happiness) or to not have to work. But I feel like by focusing on the good in my life, it makes me realize how blessed I am, and how much worse it could be. There are people in this world who have lives much more difficult than my own. How dare I be ungrateful?
To tie this all into the chapter in the book, and also the sermon on Sunday morning, I think I personally need to be careful about my longings, that they don't cross over into the materialistic category unless I can justify that the object could greatly improve my life. I was actually comforted by reading on page 58 that it is OK to desire more out of your relationship with your husband! (Again, relationships are something that will LAST!) I have to remember that "God placed the same limitations on men that He did on us."
I understand that all my longings will be met in heaven. For now, I am focused on being grateful for the things that God has given me to enjoy here on earth!
Thoughts?
Please leave a comment on the chapter! It's so wonderful to hear how other people have interpreted the book!
Take care everyone,
Erica
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Review Chapter 2: Encounter Your Journal
This chapter has actually inspired me to write a book. It's been something I've wanted to do for a long time, but never really took the time to explore. In a few short sentences, Nicole Johnson has reignited my passion and, in my opinion, reinforced why books like this and groups like this are so very important in life.
"I have heard that it takes a new Christian about two years to forget what it was like to be without Christ. Hopelessness is replaced by arrogance. I didn't want to forget."
God calls us to be raw with him, even if only on paper. A journal is a perfect way to connect with God and with your inner self. It's almost impossible to write without reflection. Even stream of conscious writing usually reveals emotions or hidden thoughts that would have long stayed buried had it not been for pen and paper.
In Chapter 2, Madeline L'Engle reminds us to be honest, "as honest as the human being can be." I don't know about you, but this is a little scary for me. Not because someone might read it, but because it demands something in me that is rarely uncovered all the way. It's like a bare-bottom at the beach... sure to be laughed at and most likely to be burned. For me, that's scary. I wonder if I will challenge myself to step outside naked and open or will I cover up for comfort? What about you?
Nicole also asks us to inspect, or rather introspect, our growth by tasting. In other words, what's going in our journal? Yes, we are checking off many items on our to-do list, but what are we really accomplishing? Getting the laundry done or that stain removed from the carpet doesn't really add up to a life of significance in the long run, does it? We are challenged by the author to use our journal as a gauge, a growth-ometer if you will, to determine where our life is headed and who or what is really leading the charge. As I often find, it is easy to get stuck pulling the weeds, leaving little time to enjoy the flowers.
One of my favorite reflections is when Nicole realizes that she's being "polite" in her journal. I love that I don't have to be polite here. I may have to bite my tongue at work, turn the other cheek while maneuvering life, and curtsey graciously when someone steps on my toes... but not here... not in my journal. These pages are for me. They can't talk back, there are no consequences to my honesty, and they can handle the brutality of my real feelings. How exceptionally glorious to have an outlet in such a common tool!
Our author does note that it may not be easy to start journaling. After all, writing is not everyone's bag you might say. But she reminds us that journaling is just as much about listening as it is writing and that "He will meet us on the pages." What a powerful suggestion! I love the thought that I might one day bury my head into a few paragraphs, writing without distraction or mindful edits, and look up to read God's words on my page.
I also appreciate Nicole's warning to beware of the "tear-me-downs." Those vicious little creatures that live in the shadows of your thoughts, but always seem to be ready and waiting when quiet time comes to call. She tells us to write it all down, to not fear these destructive little beasts. Instead face them head on and recognize them for what they are, worthless worry-mites that no more determine my value than the checkout stand magazine quizzes that try to rate me in every way from my body to my marriage.
Lastly, we are encouraged to embrace our creativity. Many people think that they are not creative, and even feel "on the spot" when placed in situations requiring creativity. Fear not, the defeat of the "tear-me-downs" can often bring to life the "ah-ha" bugs. Unlike the former, these little guys are on your side. They remind you of blissful days and then help you paint those days in a colorful language.
Though it seemed a chore at first, I have been freed by stepping out of my head, silencing my editing button, and putting my pen to paper. Will you join me?
-- Heather
Group Discussion: Chapter 2 (10/02/09)
Group Discussion: Chapter 2 (10/02/09)
We will be meeting Friday, October 2nd @ 10:00 AM EST to discuss Chapter 2: Encounter Your Journal.
Our group is open to any woman with an invitation from an existing member. We will be reading one chapter per two weeks. We will meet in person at various locations every other Friday at 10:00AM EST. Tune in to the blog each week to find out the location.
For the in-person meeting details email: brewedawakeningbookgroup@gmail.com
If you would like to contribute by blogging, please do! The blog will be open continuously for posting; however, we hope that you will not post any comments on pre-read chapters (in other words, don't spoil the next chapter for the rest of us ;-).
Can't wait to see you online or in-person!
Heather & Erica
We will be meeting Friday, October 2nd @ 10:00 AM EST to discuss Chapter 2: Encounter Your Journal.
Our group is open to any woman with an invitation from an existing member. We will be reading one chapter per two weeks. We will meet in person at various locations every other Friday at 10:00AM EST. Tune in to the blog each week to find out the location.
For the in-person meeting details email: brewedawakeningbookgroup@gmail.com
If you would like to contribute by blogging, please do! The blog will be open continuously for posting; however, we hope that you will not post any comments on pre-read chapters (in other words, don't spoil the next chapter for the rest of us ;-).
Can't wait to see you online or in-person!
Heather & Erica
Monday, September 14, 2009
Chapter 1: Surrender to God
I really enjoyed Nicole Johnson's honesty in this chapter. She talks about how we need to fully surrender to God, but also how we shouldn't be afraid to be honest in our prayers. I grew up in a very traditional church, where we were taught to never question God's decisions, and to always be happy with Him even if we are struggling with our lives. The answer to my questions were always, "That's what God decided" or "Well, just because!" (That one was given to me by the pastor at our church, believe it or not! Can you see why I needed to find a deeper connection with God as an adult?!)
Nicole writes that when we bring our problems into prayer with God, we can deal with them better, not just brush them under the table. I don't know about anyone else, but my life is so busy and full that I don't have time to play games or hide my feelings! I was relieved to read that she encourages her readers to wrestle with God in their prayers, and then let Him lead the way. Thoughts?
I can't wait to see everyone on Friday and also read their comments on this blog! As Nicole mentions in the introduction of the book:
(In reference to coffee's universal appeal) "The message is always the same: friendship and warmth. You are welcome here."
Erica
Nicole writes that when we bring our problems into prayer with God, we can deal with them better, not just brush them under the table. I don't know about anyone else, but my life is so busy and full that I don't have time to play games or hide my feelings! I was relieved to read that she encourages her readers to wrestle with God in their prayers, and then let Him lead the way. Thoughts?
I can't wait to see everyone on Friday and also read their comments on this blog! As Nicole mentions in the introduction of the book:
(In reference to coffee's universal appeal) "The message is always the same: friendship and warmth. You are welcome here."
Erica
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Group Discussion: Chapter 1 (9/18/09)
We will be meeting Friday, September 18th @ 10:00 AM EST to discuss Chapter 1: Surrender to God.
Our group is open to any woman with an invitation from an existing member. We will be reading one chapter per two weeks. We will meet in person at various locations every other Friday at 10:00AM EST. Tune in to the blog each week to find out the location.
For the in-person meeting details email: brewedawakeningbookgroup@gmail.com
If you would like to contribute by blogging, please do! The blog will be open continuously for posting; however, we hope that you will not post any comments on pre-read chapters (in other words, don't spoil the next chapter for the rest of us ;-).
Can't wait to see you online or in-person!
Heather & Erica
Our group is open to any woman with an invitation from an existing member. We will be reading one chapter per two weeks. We will meet in person at various locations every other Friday at 10:00AM EST. Tune in to the blog each week to find out the location.
For the in-person meeting details email: brewedawakeningbookgroup@gmail.com
If you would like to contribute by blogging, please do! The blog will be open continuously for posting; however, we hope that you will not post any comments on pre-read chapters (in other words, don't spoil the next chapter for the rest of us ;-).
Can't wait to see you online or in-person!
Heather & Erica
Fresh Brewed Life: A Stirring Invitation To Wake Up Your Soul
Book Details
Book: Fresh Brewed Life: A Stirring Invitation To Wake Up Your Soul
Author: Nicole Johnson
Cost: $10.99 (Amazon.com)
Meeting: September 18th, 10:00AM
Location: TBD
"With wit and wisdom, Nicole leads the reader in a journey of awakenings -- first, to God as you respond to His tender, passionate love for you; second to yourself as you embrace your identity as a woman, your gifts, your dreams; finally to others as you learn to love and communicate in ways that bring joy and closeness.
Nicole offers a freshly-brewed, heartwarming wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee guide to living life to the fullest. She encourages women to recognize the areas of their life where they are sound asleep -- and let God wake them up again.
Challeging and immensely practical, Fresh Brewed Life is a heartwarming book that's good to the last drop -- good enough to change your life and help you touch the lives of others."
---Amazon Product Review
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