Ok, I know I am breaking from our format, and it has been a REALLY long time since anyone has posted. But I'm trying to change that!I've been a little preoccupied with my family's newest addition, but we are finding our new "normal" (along with a few extra hours of sleep since Dylan only gets up now once a night- woo hoo!) and I have found some time for myself to actually read! I know the Vince Antonucci book was suppose to be for the month of March, and it's now April, but I FINALLY started his book last night. I couldn't put it down! And anyone who has had a baby will tell you that this book had to be something special for me to give up a half-hour of sleep to keep reading! I am SO excited to read the rest of the book. It just seems different from a lot of other Christian books I've picked up over the years.
Any thoughts on I Became a Christian and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt?
I'll post more as I keep reading, but anyone is welcome to leave a comment! We would love to hear your thoughts on the book, even if you haven't finished it yet!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
"We don't die, we multiply!"
We are thrilled to get started again, and with a new format that is going to be a little different, but a lot of fun. We are making our book group more flexible, and hopefully, available to more women. Instead of taking a slow pace, we're going to leave the pace up to you. Brewed Awakening will feature a different book each month. It's up to you how fast or slowly you would like to read it. If you want to sit down and gobble it all up in one weekend, fantastic! But if you prefer to delicately pick over each and every word, feel free. We'll be here when you're done.
In addition, Brewed Awakening is all about celebrating great books and great authors, so at the end of each month we will celebrate our book. We will have a very informal gathering at a restaurant or a home or at the park to chat about our featured book --- the lines that made us cry, the insights that made us giggle, and the chapters that made us want to throw the book in the trash! We'll discuss it all while enjoying something yummy, I'm sure, with good friends and hopefully inspiring literature.
We will post all the upcoming events on the blog calendar (coming soon) as well as chat and discussions about each book. We love the book we've been reading by Nicole Johnson, so we will definitely be finishing it. See the side bar for a list of our featured books for the next two months.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Chapter 6 Review: Savor Your Sexuality
Fair Warning: This blog posting is extremely explicit and sexual in nature, due to the subject of this week's chapter, Savor Your Sexuality. In addition, it is extremely personal, but in an effort to really truly grow I am making myself vulnerable. I have often found saying the things out loud that I can barely admit to myself changes my perspective altogether and I grow tremendously. It has also been my experience that when I take that chance I am often rewarded in hearing that other women feel the same pain and fear and appreciate my candor. I hope that this is what will transpire here. On a second note, you'll probably wonder if I'm ever going to get to the point of this chapter or is this some self serving diatribe on premarital sex in an attempt to somehow justify my inability to savor my sexuality as an adult. Well, yes and kinda. Yes, I do eventually get to the point (after a very long time). And no, it is sincerely in hope of seeing a lot of virtual heads bobbing up and down in affirmation that you too struggle to savor your sexuality, but I don't spend a lot of time on the actual chapter. If you want to talk specifics of the chapter let's get together and chat. Now that I think of it (the warning was written after the posting), perhaps this story would have been much more appropriate for one-on-one girl talk and the chapter review more beneficial for the public-ness of a blog, but as you'll learn in this post, I'm not a well person and rarely act appropriately. With that said, I lovingly and fearfully share this with you.
I started having sex when I was 12. Not even a mature-for-her-age 12, just a scared, pressured and confused, little girl 12. Within a couple of days of my first kiss I had my first sexual experience. I didn't understand why I did it. I don't even think I made the decision. I just kind of looked up and it had happened. I continued to have sex with almost every boy who showed me the least bit of interest until I was 22. That includes boys I had just met, boyfriends of friends, party acquaintances, the popular boy (which he kept secret), adult high school coaches, pretty much any man that would want to hold me and value me. I had a nice taught body that was curved in all the right places, it seductively moved the way I wanted it to, and it attracted a lot of attention. Of course, these interactions never resulted in what I was so desperately searching for... a place to fit, arms to hold me tenderly and lovingly, to be cherished and taken care of, to feel worthy and valuable to someone. I even thought I enjoyed it. I would tell my friends so. Apparently it was the best thing since sliced bread. But I never once had an orgasm or could remember feeling anything other than fear of the consequences once it was over.
What I didn't realize is that each of those instances a little part of me would stay with him, and a little piece of him would stay with me. How romantic that sounds? Connected for life through such a sacred physical act. Bullshit. The part of me that stayed with him was my dignity and self-love. My security and self-preservation. My passion and self-worth. The part of him that stayed with me was the disgust, the disinterest, the selfishness of having sex without love. So now I have layers upon layers of disgust at the price of self-significance. Every time I enter my married bed that disgust lies down between my husband and I. It shadows our most intimate moments. Moments that should be shared passionately and deeply, but instead they taunt me and whisper that I'm trash---garbage that should be used and discarded.
I started having sex when I was 12 and I didn't stop until I was married. I stopped when I got married. Not the physical act, of course, I pretended to have deep sexual and emotional experiences with my husband. You could have heard my dramatic and seemingly joyful orgasmic pleas for "more, more, more" a mile away---little did I realize or my husband know that I was desperately begging for more. More intimacy. More love. More me. I wanted me back. I gave up me before I even got to know her. I have no idea what my sexuality looks like because I sold it long before it developed. So what does that make me as a married woman? A child really... 12 years old... still lost and confused and pressured to be what I think I'm supposed to be.
Today my nice taught body has been replaced with flab and fat. My curves exist in all the wrong places, my seduction act looks more like "run before he sees me", and unfortunately, it stills attracts a lot of attention... just not the kind you want to hear. And of course, my interactions with my husband still never result in what I am so desperately searching for (although he tries desperately)... a place to fit, arms to hold me tenderly and lovingly, to be cherished and taken care of, to feel worthy and valuable to someone. This isn't to say I have a terrible, sex crazed, use-her-and-lose her kind of husband--- in fact, he is everything to the contrary--- he is loving, and forgiving, and understanding. He tries so hard, only to see sadness in my eyes. The problem is this... he can't make me "fit" or be "tender" or "cherish" me or give me "worth" if I don't accept myself in those ways. He can only love the woman I am, not the woman I wish I were.
I was most struck by one of the blurbs in Nicole Johnson's margin. It listed all the "things we do to avoid sex." Anyway, back to the margin list... which I read thinking, "Wow, none of this is me. I must be doing something right." Then I saw the fifth item on the list --- Eat too much. I read it so fast, it almost didn't' sink in. And then I went back. And read it again. And again. And again. Then I cried. Please don't misunderstand me... I don't avoid sex. In fact, I am the opposite. I am far more sexual than my husband. Not because I want to have sex, no that would be too perfect. I have sex a lot because I am desperately searching for something. I figure it's got to be in there somewhere, right? Perhaps if I just keep having sex in crazy positions or high heels and thongs, eventually my sexuality will show up. I'm learning that it's not how it works.
It really was an epiphany... the words sunk in like a boulder in a shallow puddle. I have made myself so undesirable, even to me, so that I would know for certain that if I am loved it will be for who I am and not for what I look like or what I can give sexually. It makes me sick to my stomach... so sick I want to down a chocolate cake in one sitting. It makes me sad that I've lost years and layers of who I really am to my own self hatred. I cannot look in the mirror and see one single thing I like. Not one single thing. I am disgusted literally from my head to my toes with what stares back at me. It didn't used to be that way. When I was 12 I was excited with the way my body was changing and how it looked. Unfortunately, I didn't have the emotional wellness to protect it, to grow it, to love it.
So where does this body go from here? It's kind of too late to change the past and the future is inevitably tainted by my underdeveloped sexuality. Where does one start when you're 34 and have the emotional sexuality of a 12 year old? I suppose 34 years old is as good a place as any to start... it must be better 35, right? This chapter has encouraged me to get back to that little girl. Make an attempt to grow her a little more, learn what I love about her, and then send her off to make adult decisions now that she is finally an adult. Now that she finally fits, and is cherished, and it is safe to be sexual. I think savoring is for the experts, it's something that is acquired, something that has been studied over a period of time, something that can be appreciated for its depth. For now I will start to explore my sexuality... to learn about it and to gradually take it back so that it can be fully and lovingly gifted to the one and only man who should have ever known it.
I started having sex when I was 12. Not even a mature-for-her-age 12, just a scared, pressured and confused, little girl 12. Within a couple of days of my first kiss I had my first sexual experience. I didn't understand why I did it. I don't even think I made the decision. I just kind of looked up and it had happened. I continued to have sex with almost every boy who showed me the least bit of interest until I was 22. That includes boys I had just met, boyfriends of friends, party acquaintances, the popular boy (which he kept secret), adult high school coaches, pretty much any man that would want to hold me and value me. I had a nice taught body that was curved in all the right places, it seductively moved the way I wanted it to, and it attracted a lot of attention. Of course, these interactions never resulted in what I was so desperately searching for... a place to fit, arms to hold me tenderly and lovingly, to be cherished and taken care of, to feel worthy and valuable to someone. I even thought I enjoyed it. I would tell my friends so. Apparently it was the best thing since sliced bread. But I never once had an orgasm or could remember feeling anything other than fear of the consequences once it was over.
What I didn't realize is that each of those instances a little part of me would stay with him, and a little piece of him would stay with me. How romantic that sounds? Connected for life through such a sacred physical act. Bullshit. The part of me that stayed with him was my dignity and self-love. My security and self-preservation. My passion and self-worth. The part of him that stayed with me was the disgust, the disinterest, the selfishness of having sex without love. So now I have layers upon layers of disgust at the price of self-significance. Every time I enter my married bed that disgust lies down between my husband and I. It shadows our most intimate moments. Moments that should be shared passionately and deeply, but instead they taunt me and whisper that I'm trash---garbage that should be used and discarded.
I started having sex when I was 12 and I didn't stop until I was married. I stopped when I got married. Not the physical act, of course, I pretended to have deep sexual and emotional experiences with my husband. You could have heard my dramatic and seemingly joyful orgasmic pleas for "more, more, more" a mile away---little did I realize or my husband know that I was desperately begging for more. More intimacy. More love. More me. I wanted me back. I gave up me before I even got to know her. I have no idea what my sexuality looks like because I sold it long before it developed. So what does that make me as a married woman? A child really... 12 years old... still lost and confused and pressured to be what I think I'm supposed to be.
Today my nice taught body has been replaced with flab and fat. My curves exist in all the wrong places, my seduction act looks more like "run before he sees me", and unfortunately, it stills attracts a lot of attention... just not the kind you want to hear. And of course, my interactions with my husband still never result in what I am so desperately searching for (although he tries desperately)... a place to fit, arms to hold me tenderly and lovingly, to be cherished and taken care of, to feel worthy and valuable to someone. This isn't to say I have a terrible, sex crazed, use-her-and-lose her kind of husband--- in fact, he is everything to the contrary--- he is loving, and forgiving, and understanding. He tries so hard, only to see sadness in my eyes. The problem is this... he can't make me "fit" or be "tender" or "cherish" me or give me "worth" if I don't accept myself in those ways. He can only love the woman I am, not the woman I wish I were.
I was most struck by one of the blurbs in Nicole Johnson's margin. It listed all the "things we do to avoid sex." Anyway, back to the margin list... which I read thinking, "Wow, none of this is me. I must be doing something right." Then I saw the fifth item on the list --- Eat too much. I read it so fast, it almost didn't' sink in. And then I went back. And read it again. And again. And again. Then I cried. Please don't misunderstand me... I don't avoid sex. In fact, I am the opposite. I am far more sexual than my husband. Not because I want to have sex, no that would be too perfect. I have sex a lot because I am desperately searching for something. I figure it's got to be in there somewhere, right? Perhaps if I just keep having sex in crazy positions or high heels and thongs, eventually my sexuality will show up. I'm learning that it's not how it works.
It really was an epiphany... the words sunk in like a boulder in a shallow puddle. I have made myself so undesirable, even to me, so that I would know for certain that if I am loved it will be for who I am and not for what I look like or what I can give sexually. It makes me sick to my stomach... so sick I want to down a chocolate cake in one sitting. It makes me sad that I've lost years and layers of who I really am to my own self hatred. I cannot look in the mirror and see one single thing I like. Not one single thing. I am disgusted literally from my head to my toes with what stares back at me. It didn't used to be that way. When I was 12 I was excited with the way my body was changing and how it looked. Unfortunately, I didn't have the emotional wellness to protect it, to grow it, to love it.
So where does this body go from here? It's kind of too late to change the past and the future is inevitably tainted by my underdeveloped sexuality. Where does one start when you're 34 and have the emotional sexuality of a 12 year old? I suppose 34 years old is as good a place as any to start... it must be better 35, right? This chapter has encouraged me to get back to that little girl. Make an attempt to grow her a little more, learn what I love about her, and then send her off to make adult decisions now that she is finally an adult. Now that she finally fits, and is cherished, and it is safe to be sexual. I think savoring is for the experts, it's something that is acquired, something that has been studied over a period of time, something that can be appreciated for its depth. For now I will start to explore my sexuality... to learn about it and to gradually take it back so that it can be fully and lovingly gifted to the one and only man who should have ever known it.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Chapter 5 Review: Interview Your Anger
This chapter talks about finding the root of our anger, and not taking it out on the people we love. We need to figure out what our anger is really about, or we will continue to harm others. Johnson talks about a fight she had with her husband, and how her anger was really directed at her mother. This led her on a journey of forgiveness that resulted in an actual friendship with her mother. It wasn't easy, but once she realized the real reason she was angry, she could start to heal.
On a personal note, I have had an experience like this. The first year that I moved to Virginia was a busy one for me. My husband and I had just gotten married, we bought a house, and I started a new, high-stress job. One evening, my husband brought home dinner from Sheetz. (What can I say, it's a tradition from our college days!) Anyway, he ordered my breakfast sandwich with bacon. Now he knows that bacon usually makes me sick, but he intended on taking it off my sandwich and putting it on his, since it is included in the cost of the sandwich. Well, you would have thought that World War III had just begun by the way I reacted to finding this unappetizing meat on the sandwich that my stomach had been rumbling for! I threw the sandwich on the floor, spewed some choice words at my husband, and then ran upstairs and slammed the bedroom door, collapsing into tears on the bed. All over a sandwich, right?! WRONG. I knew deep down that my real anger was my frustration with my new job, and a constant, nagging feeling that I had chosen the wrong career path. I had no one to be angry with but myself. I felt like I was compromising my own needs to keep up the lie that I was happy with my profession, because I was too embarrassed to admit that I had made the wrong choice. Thankfully, my husband was able to shrug off my outburst, even after I finished the entire performance by driving to Sheetz and buying myself the sandwich I REALLY wanted. (Hmmm...too bad I couldn't order a new career path.) Five years later, my husband and I now laugh at that memory, especially when we are at a restaurant and the waitress asks me if I would like bacon with my eggs. (Jeff usually then mocks me by saying in his best wifey impression: "I told you, I didn't want bacon!" The waitress looks at us like we're nuts, but it's hilarious, if only to us.) The only way I could let go of the anger was to forgive myself for making the wrong career choice, and quit my job. I have since found a career that makes me happy. The funny thing is, it took me reading the chapter of this book to truly understand what I was going through back then!
Ok, now I shared my personal story! I want to hear what other people thought of the chapter, and how it might relate to their lives! (Hopefully your experiences don't include flying breakfast sandwiches!)
On a personal note, I have had an experience like this. The first year that I moved to Virginia was a busy one for me. My husband and I had just gotten married, we bought a house, and I started a new, high-stress job. One evening, my husband brought home dinner from Sheetz. (What can I say, it's a tradition from our college days!) Anyway, he ordered my breakfast sandwich with bacon. Now he knows that bacon usually makes me sick, but he intended on taking it off my sandwich and putting it on his, since it is included in the cost of the sandwich. Well, you would have thought that World War III had just begun by the way I reacted to finding this unappetizing meat on the sandwich that my stomach had been rumbling for! I threw the sandwich on the floor, spewed some choice words at my husband, and then ran upstairs and slammed the bedroom door, collapsing into tears on the bed. All over a sandwich, right?! WRONG. I knew deep down that my real anger was my frustration with my new job, and a constant, nagging feeling that I had chosen the wrong career path. I had no one to be angry with but myself. I felt like I was compromising my own needs to keep up the lie that I was happy with my profession, because I was too embarrassed to admit that I had made the wrong choice. Thankfully, my husband was able to shrug off my outburst, even after I finished the entire performance by driving to Sheetz and buying myself the sandwich I REALLY wanted. (Hmmm...too bad I couldn't order a new career path.) Five years later, my husband and I now laugh at that memory, especially when we are at a restaurant and the waitress asks me if I would like bacon with my eggs. (Jeff usually then mocks me by saying in his best wifey impression: "I told you, I didn't want bacon!" The waitress looks at us like we're nuts, but it's hilarious, if only to us.) The only way I could let go of the anger was to forgive myself for making the wrong career choice, and quit my job. I have since found a career that makes me happy. The funny thing is, it took me reading the chapter of this book to truly understand what I was going through back then!
Ok, now I shared my personal story! I want to hear what other people thought of the chapter, and how it might relate to their lives! (Hopefully your experiences don't include flying breakfast sandwiches!)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Welcome!
It was so wonderful to meet everyone this weekend at the retreat! Heather and I were so excited when Shannon mentioned that she read the book we are currently reading, "Fresh Brewed Life" by Nicole Johnson. I'm hoping everyone is checking out our Brewed Awakenings blog after receiving our bookmarks this weekend. We wanted to extend an invitation to anyone interested in attending; even if you don't have the book yet! Come and meet the group; we'll fill you in on the first few chapters. This will also give you time to get the book by our next meeting in 2 weeks. Remember, we only read one chapter every 2 weeks. It's not overwhelming! So come join us this Friday the 13th at 10:00 A.M.! You can e-mail us at: brewedawakeningbookgroup@gmail.com for the location and address. Hope to see you all there!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Chapter 4 Review: Embrace Your Beauty
Wow, when I saw the title of this chapter, I thought I would read yet another "beauty is on the inside" lecture, making me feel guilty for the time I spend putting on my make-up and doing my hair. Was I wrong, or what?! This chapter was SO refreshing for me!
"We pretend we don't care. But we do.
We act as if it doesn't matter. But it does.
We wish we weren't disappointed. But we are."
- Nicole Johnson
Ok, ladies! Now we want to hear your opinions in the comments section!
Here's some food for thought:
- Do you identify with "Linda" or "Jill"?
- What do you think of the connection between spirituality and paying attention to your looks?
- Do you agree with Nicole when she talks about how we regularly assault ourselves with comparisons to other women? How can we overcome this and appreciate our own unique beauty?
- Nicole mentions how women are very kind to others, but not to themselves. Are you your own worst critic?
I can't wait to read your comments! This Friday's book club discussion will be great! I hope some of you can make it! Please e-mail Heather for the location.
Happy Reading!
Erica
"We pretend we don't care. But we do.
We act as if it doesn't matter. But it does.
We wish we weren't disappointed. But we are."
- Nicole Johnson
Ok, ladies! Now we want to hear your opinions in the comments section!
Here's some food for thought:
- Do you identify with "Linda" or "Jill"?
- What do you think of the connection between spirituality and paying attention to your looks?
- Do you agree with Nicole when she talks about how we regularly assault ourselves with comparisons to other women? How can we overcome this and appreciate our own unique beauty?
- Nicole mentions how women are very kind to others, but not to themselves. Are you your own worst critic?
I can't wait to read your comments! This Friday's book club discussion will be great! I hope some of you can make it! Please e-mail Heather for the location.
Happy Reading!
Erica
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Review Chapter 3: Listen to Your Longings
"What we don't have shapes us more than what we have. We are like swiss cheese, and the holes in us are actually suppose to be there."
I think out of everything in this chapter, this quote is what stuck with me the most. I think all that we try to accomplish in life has to do with "filling" the holes. It is what keeps us going in our everyday lives. We all have longings, desires, and dreams. To be honest, I found the differences between the three a bit complex as they were explained in the book. But I understand the point that Nicole was making: It is ok to not be satisfied. I think the most important thing is to make sure that we are not chasing around longings for the WRONG things, which can be very tempting. On Sunday, our pastor talked about how we need to think about each of our wants and desires: is it something that will last? Relationships last. Love lasts. Sports cars and designer purses do not last. (I'm working on that last one!) As difficult as this was to hear, I know in my heart it is true.
I feel like motherhood really made me realize what is truly important in life. For me, it's my relationships with my family. When we are all cuddling in bed on a lazy Saturday morning - me, my husband, my son, and even my dog!- there is nothing left to want! I try every day to be grateful for what I have, and I believe by feeling fulfilled in that way, it makes me a truly happy person. I could desire a bigger house, more money (which once your basic needs are met, an increase in money only temporarily increases your happiness) or to not have to work. But I feel like by focusing on the good in my life, it makes me realize how blessed I am, and how much worse it could be. There are people in this world who have lives much more difficult than my own. How dare I be ungrateful?
To tie this all into the chapter in the book, and also the sermon on Sunday morning, I think I personally need to be careful about my longings, that they don't cross over into the materialistic category unless I can justify that the object could greatly improve my life. I was actually comforted by reading on page 58 that it is OK to desire more out of your relationship with your husband! (Again, relationships are something that will LAST!) I have to remember that "God placed the same limitations on men that He did on us."
I understand that all my longings will be met in heaven. For now, I am focused on being grateful for the things that God has given me to enjoy here on earth!
Thoughts?
Please leave a comment on the chapter! It's so wonderful to hear how other people have interpreted the book!
Take care everyone,
Erica
I think out of everything in this chapter, this quote is what stuck with me the most. I think all that we try to accomplish in life has to do with "filling" the holes. It is what keeps us going in our everyday lives. We all have longings, desires, and dreams. To be honest, I found the differences between the three a bit complex as they were explained in the book. But I understand the point that Nicole was making: It is ok to not be satisfied. I think the most important thing is to make sure that we are not chasing around longings for the WRONG things, which can be very tempting. On Sunday, our pastor talked about how we need to think about each of our wants and desires: is it something that will last? Relationships last. Love lasts. Sports cars and designer purses do not last. (I'm working on that last one!) As difficult as this was to hear, I know in my heart it is true.
I feel like motherhood really made me realize what is truly important in life. For me, it's my relationships with my family. When we are all cuddling in bed on a lazy Saturday morning - me, my husband, my son, and even my dog!- there is nothing left to want! I try every day to be grateful for what I have, and I believe by feeling fulfilled in that way, it makes me a truly happy person. I could desire a bigger house, more money (which once your basic needs are met, an increase in money only temporarily increases your happiness) or to not have to work. But I feel like by focusing on the good in my life, it makes me realize how blessed I am, and how much worse it could be. There are people in this world who have lives much more difficult than my own. How dare I be ungrateful?
To tie this all into the chapter in the book, and also the sermon on Sunday morning, I think I personally need to be careful about my longings, that they don't cross over into the materialistic category unless I can justify that the object could greatly improve my life. I was actually comforted by reading on page 58 that it is OK to desire more out of your relationship with your husband! (Again, relationships are something that will LAST!) I have to remember that "God placed the same limitations on men that He did on us."
I understand that all my longings will be met in heaven. For now, I am focused on being grateful for the things that God has given me to enjoy here on earth!
Thoughts?
Please leave a comment on the chapter! It's so wonderful to hear how other people have interpreted the book!
Take care everyone,
Erica
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